


I'm Just a Lost Boy

by arielthenerd



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x18, Autistic Alec Lightwood, Coda, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, POV Alec Lightwood, Post-Break Up, Post-Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 02:43:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18489676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arielthenerd/pseuds/arielthenerd
Summary: I say I want to settle downBuild your hopes up like a towerI'm giving you the run aroundI'm just a lost boyNot ready to be found





	I'm Just a Lost Boy

Alec slammed the door to his mother’s shop and walked as far away from the shop as he could. Alec wasn’t going to let himself cry. Not here in public. It took everything in him to not break down though. To try and distract himself he tried focusing on his surroundings. He looked around making sure there were no demons were in the area. He wouldn’t mind a hunt right about now though to distract himself. But it seemed to be pretty quiet except for mundanes dressed up in costumes partying the night away 

Eventually, Alec needed to take a second and stop. He leaned against the brick wall of the nearest building and closed his eyes. When he opened them again a few seconds later he realized he wasn’t just in pain internally. Looking down at his hands he noticed the palm of his right hand had already started to get raw and was on the verge of bleeding from how much he must have been rubbing at it while he was walking. He had promised Magnus he would work on not self-harming and lately he had been doing much better. 

He seemed to make a lot of promises to Magnus lately that he wasn’t keeping. After tonight he knew it was more than likely he was going to relapse. It was what he deserved after hurting Magnus. 

He shook his head and headed toward the nearest subway entrance so he could get back to the institute. The MTA was already always crazy but on Halloween, it seemed like the craziness multiplied. 

Alec was lucky enough to find an empty seat and sat down. There were a group of girls toeing the line of what was appropriate for costumes who were being obnoxiously loud and from the sounds of it were in the middle of bar hopping. On the other side was a young boy and his mother with a pillowcase full of candy and directly across from him was a couple who looked like they were doing a themed costume together. They were snuggled up to each other holding hands and giggling. It hurt to see people being so happy and in love together.

He and Magnus had talked about doing something for Halloween together a few weeks ago when everything was normal. He wanted to throw a party in honor of the night and decorate like he did every year. Magnus had debated what costumes they could do as a couple together and Alec had told them that even though he would probably be busy with work he would try and escape for a few hours with Magnus.

Then Magnus lost his magic, everything got chaotic, and now Magnus and him were no more. 

Alec laid his head back and started squeezing his hands and counted in his head. He needed to pretend it was going to be okay for just a little bit longer.

He finally made it back to the institute and was ready to just go to straight to his room and finally cry but of course, being the Head of the Institute that wasn’t allowed to happen. The moment he walked through the doors people were calling him over. Some shadowhunters needed him to sign off on their missions, others needed to debrief him on the missions they just finished. Then Underhill needed to check in with him a few things before his shift change and there was a stack of paperwork that had to be done tonight. Overall it had been an hour before he could finally make his escape. 

When he finally opened the door to his room he saw his sister sitting at the end of his bed. She was holding his weighted blanket and next to her was his favorite pajamas. A pair of sweats and a shirt that he had owned since he was 16. There were holes in a few places in the shirt and the sweats had become incredibly faded. Izzy had begged him to throw them out countless times. But Alec never had and hopefully never would have to. he has always had a thing about texture and these were the perfect texture. They were his favorite pair of pajamas to wear when he was overstimulated. The fact that she had all this out for him must mean she had prepared for the worst. 

“What are you doing in here Izzy”

Izzy gave him a sad smile “You’re my big brother where else would I be. ”

Alec nearly choked on all the emotions that were beginning to flood out. He sat down at the end of the bed and Izzy got up and started helping him untie his boots.

He tried shooing her away.

“Hey, I can do this myself you know.”

This only made her become more aggressive about helping him. 

“Let me help you. I know I’ve never had a love like you and Magnus had but I’ve had my fair share of breakups and they’ve knocked me down pretty hard. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now.”

She finished helping get his boots off and put a hand to his cheek and rubbed it. Alec leaned into the touch. 

“Thank you, Izzy.” 

“Go finish changing Alec. ill still be here when you’re done”

After a few minutes, he was finished changing and when he got out of his bathroom he sat down his bed. 

Izzy wrapped his weighted blanket around him. He leaned against her and he finally let the events of tonight wash over him. He knew Magnus would be happy with his magic back and maybe Alec could learn to move on. It was all for the best. 

Finally, the tears slowly began to fall and he let out the breath he hadn't realized he had been holding in all night. 

Everything hurt and he couldn’t imagine a future where it would stop hurting. 

“Mi Hermano I'm so so sorry. Let it out” 

And so he did.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed this. I don't usually write and when I do I usually keep it to myself but last night inspired me so much that I wrote this and felt the need to post it. 
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/arielthenerd) or [tumblr](https://daddarimoo.tumblr.com/)


End file.
